Things I Won't Miss About Pregnancy

(One for each year of my life, listed roughly in order of how deeply I will not miss them.)

1. Barfing. (I spared you yet another barfing post last night. You can thank me in the form of gift cards sent to my email address.) Relatedly, carsickness-like nausea (it's not just for first trimesters, it turns out!)

2. Indigestion. Indigestion might not sound that terrible if you've never had it, but it's taken away all pleasure in eating or drinking for many, many months now. The only foods that don't seem to trigger a feeling of "Oh my god, this food is just sort of hanging out in my esophagus making me feel a tetch queasy and more than a tetch cranky" are salted almonds. Fresh salted almonds. If I eat one almond approaching middle age, I can't digest properly again until the next day. It's dispiriting, to say the least.

3. Not being able to carry my two-year-old up the stairs, even if she's really tired and asks really nicely. Similarly, not being able to properly snuggle the two-year-old anymore, what with the giant belly in the way.

4. The total lack of uncomplicated sex.

5. Never feeling sexy. (See #4)

6. Everything from the dishwasher to the cafe down the street to our shower curtains smelling like ass.

7. Weighing more than my husband. (This is a tie with “Extra-heavy-duty-muffin-top from all the nausea-prevention pregnancy eating.") (See #5)

8. Achy hips that cause me to flip over and over and over like a rotisserie chicken all night long.

9. Insomnia—caused either by hip pain (see #6) or flippy baby or hormones or general Major Life Change anxieties—any way you slice it, it's very irritating to not be able to sleep properly in the months leading up to a period of Infamous Sleep Deprivation.

10. Varicose veins. On my vulva. (See #5)

11. Being regarded in public as nothing more than a giant stomach with legs. (Read: I miss occasionally being looked at like I’m sort of hot by various nearsighted dweebs and elderly men.)

12. Forty-pound breasts. (Which you think might help with #10, but doesn't seem to. Apparently we all have limits.)

13. Not being able to drink in any kind of quantity. (See #4)

14. Not being able to drink hard liquor (in public).

15. Not being able to wear pants.

16. Maternity clothes. (See #5)

17. Not being able to wear any shoes other than Dansko clogs. (See # 5)

18. Not being able to get comfortable in any sort of sitting position.

19. Not being able to walk up the stairs without getting winded.

20. Not being able to run—by which I mean “move quickly,” not, like “go for a run,” which I don’t do.

21. Not being able to easily put on my own socks or pants.

22. Not being able to see my own vagina.

23. Meaningless contractions.

24. Fatigue.

25. Not being able to take Advil for random aches and pains.

26. Not being able to see—or reach—my feet.

27. Frequent(er) peeing.

28. A warped sense of balance. (Read: enhanced klutziness).

29. Not being able to drink room temperature water. (See #1)

30. Someone else's elbows and knees jamming into my innards 24/7.

31. Not being able to ingest even a garnish-y amount of chives or green onions. (See #1)

32. Waddling. (See #s 5, 8 & 11)

33. Water retention. (See #7. Oh, if only it were just baby + water!)

34. Not being able to tolerate loud music for some inexplicable reason.

35. Not being able to pick things up off the floor.

36. Not being able to lift heavy things, move furniture when I get the urge, or shove bullies out of the way.

37. Not liking coffee. In fact, the thing I’m most looking forward to other than holding my new babe in my arms is drinking a piping hot cup of coffee and having it be delicious. (See #s 1, 2 & 24)