Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy, #38,792

While some foods will taste like glue for the duration of a pregnancy (rice crackers, pumpkin seed butter, peanut M&Ms, saltines), other foods will taste like delicious treats one day and like glue the next. Even in your third trimester, even when the bun in your oven is, pardon the technical term, fully baked.

Yesterday: Coca-cola = a delicious and delightful treat that soothed the savage and massively deprived caffeine beast.

Today: Coca-cola = glue.

Yesterday: Fiesta Lime Rice Chips = a delicious and delightful treat that almost made me forget that wheat-containing foodstuffs exacerbate my indigestion and formerly delicious corn chips haven’t tasted right for, oh, about nine months.

Today: Fiesta Lime Rice Chips = glue.

Yesterday: Apples = a delicious and delightful treat that provided some much-needed fiber in a format far more appealing that Metamucil—which, by the way, tastes like glue.

Today: Apples = glue.

I’ve already warned Dr. Husband that the instant I’ve given birth and regained my senses (all five of them), I’m going to be demanding an espresso beverage—not from the hospital cafeteria, a butter croissant, and an entire log of the freshest, most unpasteurized chèvre money can buy.

And, as long as I live, I never want to see another saltine again.

1 comment: