Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Flowers in My Lady Garden

You know how some writers invite other people to contribute guest posts when they’re feeling stuck or busy or lazy or uninspired? After much contemplation (read: not very much at all) and a regular-strength (read: double) Gin-and-Tonic last night, I decided to invite my vagina to write a post.

Disappointingly, my vagina declined.

Something about not being able to type efficiently.

In any case, it’s long past time for a vagina update! Mine’s doing fine, thanks for asking! The only thing is…well…apparently my “flora” is out of whack after that whole pregnancy/childbirth shenanigan—too many dandelions where there should be roses, or perhaps vice-versa, or perhaps that’s not the kind of flora the nurse practitioner meant.

She took a sample and—god bless ob/gyn personnel—sniffed it and declared nothing to be obviously awry. Then she sent it to the lab to determine what kind of antibiotic I might possibly need.

Anything I could try instead of antibiotics? Perhaps a yogurt shooter?

Eh, no. Apparently that’s only legal in Canada.

A few days later the results are in: my floral arrangement can be tidied up with a round of mild penicillin, or I can use “a little boric acid.” In my vagina.

Type “boric acid” into Amazon, and the first result is “Roach & Ant Killer.”

“If you go to a compounding pharmacy, they’ll show you how to make the capsules,” the nurse assured me on the phone.

In reality, if you go to a compounding pharmacy the old dude working there will look embarrassed when you ask where they keep the boric acid and the empty capsule thingies. “You know, for my vagina?” you’ll say, just in case that wasn’t clear. He’ll nod and disappear into the back for a while and you’ll ask the woman working behind the counter, “Is it really okay to stick boric acid up my vagina even though on the label it says ‘for farm and household use’ and ‘do not get on skin or mucus membranes'?” She’ll blush and shrug and tell you she’s just a cashier.

You’ll fret that the nurse on the phone was actually some kind of sadist begging to get fired and you ask the old dude if it’s really okay to get this on your skin (much less up your garden) because it says on the label—

“Look, it’s not nuclear waste or anything,” he’ll say.

Which is great because if you’re going to stick something up your vagina you definitely want it to be just this side of nuclear waste.

Wish me luck. If nothing else, my lady garden will—for sure—be free of ants and roaches for the next little while.

Wait...what's that, vagina? You say you've never even seen an ant or roach, much less granted entrance to one? Well, if you want people to know your side of the story, you're going to have to tell it yourself now, aren't you?

photo courtesy clconroy, morgueFile



  2. I'm absolutely crying with laughter over this. I've got to turn some other people onto this. (You're back!)

  3. Bad Vagina! BAD! Very, very bad! (If I scold it (her?) will it (she?) listen?)

  4. In preschool we use a little dash of boric acid for making a milky wet stringy rubbery half-solid-half-liquid substance called FLUBBER. The last word I want to associate with a lady's garden is "flubbery", but there you have it.
    Hope your flora recover soon!

  5. Something about this seems...not good. If you get a rash from this, please do not follow their directions to apply Draino!